How to Apologize by Bonnie Combs

Defend yourself. Make sure you protect yourself and what you’ve done at ALL COSTS.

Make sure you stress how LONG ago you fucked up. It doesnt matter if it was last night! Say shit like “at the time” and make sure you round up the years. I.e “I did that about 2-6 years ago!” So it sounds like it was all the way back in 1967.

Excuses! You need tons and tons of excuses. My favorite one, personally, is ignorance. Some ways you might like to phrase it are, “I didn’t know at the time” ” I live in [insert country that still soaks up every last drip of rape culture, black culture and news]” and “I had no idea that [something extremely disgusting and offensive that literally everyone knows about] was a thing!” Again, a combination of time and ignorance should solidify your excuse.

Emphasize it was for your internet friends! To make them laugh, give you comments and make them happy. You didn’t mean what you said, you just did it to make your friends laugh!

Make yourself the victim. This is the hardest one… Make sure that you emphasize your intentions, whether they were malicious or not.

Screw the facts! Make up your own shit, your own timeline and disregard the fact that many people have evidence and could expose exactly what you said and did. Who cares!

Last but certainly not least, don’t actually apologize! Ever. Fuck that! Just go around in circles. Around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around…

29 September 2014
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